Anita at the Wedding Banquet

A few months ago, I saw Anita at Steve’s wedding.  I knew I was going to see her there as Steve mentioned before hand who (from the old days) would be at the wedding.  (I will probably write more about my history with Anita in later journal/blog posts.)

I am such a child and a worldly being, more so than I admit or more so than I should be.  In the worldly sense, I want to be sure that I appear the best to Anita (even though she is now married with 2 young kids).  It’s an ego thing, even though arguably, I was the one who decided not to pursue her back 14 years ago when I could have successfully pursued her (as her close friends indicated to me). However, after a spiritual awakening in 2002, it was clear to me that she was not the way to go.  When I was talking to Kelvin, my friend of the world (and he is REALLY of the world), he thought I was crazy to decide not to pursue Anita.

Anyway, a few months ago, I saw Anita at Steve’s wedding, and I made sure beforehand I looked my best (or at least as much as possible).  Appearance-wise, it worked out a lot better than expected.  It was as if God was feeding this childish man (me) some candy.  Although it’s not important to feed this ego of mine, God gave me a little treat here.  I didn’t want to look  bad when seeing Anita after all those years (and it may actually be the last time I will ever see her).

I think maybe God don’t want me to feel bad.  Whatever it is, I thank Him.

At the wedding banquet, it was as if Anita and Cindy were on the look out for me (which I totally did not expect.)  When Anita saw me, she was looking at me in this way that I’ve experienced with some girls when they like what they see.  (I think guys and girls could tell when someone of the opposite sex is totally impressed by them or the opposite – totally not impressed by them.)  Also, Anita has this look of “Is that really him?” when she saw me.  Then, when I saw her, and she realized that she was uncontrollably looking at me, she quickly looked away.

You see, God has blessed me with SpirFit knowledge (in how to maintain physical state as well as spiritual state) which helps keep me looking young and better than everyone else I know that are of my age.  Anita and Cindy did not know that because I haven’t seen them for like 12 years, and that’s partly why Anita when she saw me seemed to be not sure if it was me and realizing that I have not looked any worse than I did 14 years ago.

Also, (although this is totally unfair) men age better than women, especially when this man has the SpirFit knowledge (which includes nutrition, exercise, and grooming knowledge) to keep his “Temple” presentable all these years and maintaining the condition of the “Temple” (physical state and appearance).

I thank God for making sure I don’t feel bad after this encounter at Steve’s wedding.  And Cindy was all smiles at me and she keeps noticing me and smiling at me (although we don’t have any history together).  But knowing her from ages ago, she always act like that toward guys she finds good looking.  (Apparently, that hasn’t changed even after she got married.)

What they don’t know is that I am so not in the state or the place in my life that I want to be yet.  In terms of my work (and my goals in serving millions), they don’t know about and I am not where I want and need to be.  In terms of my finances, I am not where I want and need to be.  (Far from it.)  All I got going for me is my physical looks, and I am not even that great looking.  But relatively, compared to people who are my age (41), I am better looking than most people I know who are my age, because I still look like I am in my 20s  (at least in the days that I actually bother to shave, groom, and dress nicely.)
Yeah, I know, as someone who claims and strives to be spiritual and have more depth, I still got this shallow worldly ego going on in me.  But it may not be all bad.  Right now, I need more motivators (especially with my depression creeping back in my life right now.)  If getting my physical and material state of affairs in place can motivate me or drive me forward, than let it be.  Maybe that was the reminder I needed from all this “silly-ness”, in seeing Anita at Steve’s wedding.

Anita at the Wedding Banquet

Kim Davis Freed At Last

Leaving out my own “religious” beliefs and looking at it strictly from a logical-legal point of view, it doesn’t make sense to put Kim Davis in jail.  Yes, legally same-sex couples have the legal right to get their marriage licenses.  However, Kim Davis also has her religious rights protected by even a higher law (the Constitution).  To take away the constitutional right of someone in order to protect the legal right of others is the worst solution.

In any corporation, the employer would have to adjust the job function of the employee if a required task violates that employee’s religious beliefs, especially when the employee was not required to perform that job function at the time she was hired.  How is it that the government can violate an employee’s constitutional right?  How is it okay that the U.S. government is violating its own supreme law, the Constitution of the United States?

Her rights were violated, but now she’s “free at last, free at last.”

Kim Davis Freed At Last

Fake Buddhist Monks in Parks

This scam of fake Buddhist monks have shown up in cities all over the world.  Now this scam has been brought to parks in New York.  This is the last thing we need in New York.  It’s as if the anti-Asian attitudes here is not bad enough.  These fake monks will only make it worse.

As Asian Americans, we are guarding against both sides.  Like everyone else, we have to guard against these scammers.  But we also have to guard against the anti-Asian attitudes here.

I miss the Bay Area (California).

New York Post Article About the Fake Buddhist Monks

Fake Buddhist Monks in Other Cities

Fake Buddhist Monks in Parks

She Asked Me to Travel to LA with Her

So, Penelope, a girl who I’ve known for less than a month.  She has been teaching me Chinese, and I’ve been teaching her English.  She’s around 26 years old, which is a lot younger than me, but she doesn’t know that.  She thought I was around her age, as I look a lot younger than my age.  (I would’ve been really good for 21 Jump Street if they have that in real life, but I digress.)

Anyway, the most unexpected thing.  She tells me that in the coming January, she will return to Taiwan.  She also tells me that she will be flying over to LA (to do the tourist thing there).  She asks me if I want to join her.  So, I’m not really good in reading into this sort of thing, but is this just a friendly platonic invite. to tour a city with her.  Or does she want a fling with me?

Well, either way, I turned her down on this one.  I hope I didn’t make her feel rejected, because that really is not my intention.  To compensate for making her feel bad (if I did), I indirectly complimented her on her beauty.  Is that enough to compensate?

What do you think?  Did she want a fling or was it just an innocent platonic request?  Did I make her feel rejected?







She Asked Me to Travel to LA with Her

Letting Others In (Jan 15, 2009)

Posted on my Bloop diary on January 15, 2009

I feel like I have so much love inside me for my parents, my sisters, my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, my cousins, my grandma, my uncles and aunts… Unfortunately, I just have this inability to express my love. As a matter of fact, I have an inability to show any type of warmth toward any one.

As much as I don’t want to consciously admit it, I think I have a fear in me. I might be, at an unconscious (subconscious) level, fearing disappointment. I also probably fear letting someone in my life who would pull me off my current path (the “less traveled path” that most do not understand). Not long ago, I let a girl in and she almost pulled me off this path and almost completely destroyed me. She was a colleague of mine at a side job that I have. I became her spiritual teacher/mentor. It became a spiritually dangerous situation. Not only did she have impure intentions, but she didn’t care about destroying me in the process of getting what she wanted. I was praying more than ever during that period. God amazingly revealed things to me about her and about what I had to do. I was saved from the situation. I was guided to cut her out of my life (I guess they would call this ex-communication if I was a church).

I would never had thought that a girl who was not my girlfriend could put me in danger, but this girl who was my spiritual student showed me that I could be. Prior to that situation, there was another time when I was pulled off a previous path, was lost “in the desert” for about five years, and could’ve became permanently lost if it wasn’t for the grace of God (and for my intention and effort to take Him up on His grace).

Anyway, I am reminded of all this right now because I am wondering if I will be able to let anyone in. Will I be able to let the girl, the one, into my life when I meet her? Another question is, have I met her? One of the churches that I attend, there is this girl that have passed through the effective “filter” that I have in filtering out all the wrong girls, despite many of them showing interest in me. My non-Christian friends think that I am crazy in filtering some of these girls, especially the attractive ones.

Anyway, there’s this one girl who’ve seemed to have passed through my filter. Part of my filter is my instinct (or sixth sense as some may call it). Nothing in my instinct is telling me to be on guard against this girl. Also, she seems to be very devoted to God when I observe her in worship services. She is active in the church in helping with leading small groups and she is the greeter. She is fun to talk to and when I see her and talk to her, I already feel a love for her. I’ve asked God, “Is she the one?”

By the way, my instincts being right many times, they failed me in the situation with Melissa, the girl who was my colleague and spiritual student with impure intentions and almost destroyed me. It was all God who saved me from that situation. It was almost miraculous.

Some thoughts came to me. I don’t know if they are thoughts from the problematic part of my psyche. These thoughts are telling me, “She’s a bit taller than you.” “You know nothing about her past.” (although I do know that she has strong family values. I’ve met her sister and she has a loving relationship with her sister. She also display an attitude of love and joy when she talks about her mother.)

Anyway, I didn’t let her in either. Some part of me is telling me that I am making a mistake. But another part of me is telling me that it is right to be cautious (considering past experiences).

Letting Others In (Jan 15, 2009)

Candid and Raw New Journal

This is my secret online journal that my family and friends do not and will not know about.  However, I don’t mind if people out there in the world who don’ t know me read this journal.  Perhaps, they can learn the lessons I’ve been learning and will be learning.  They may even be entertained.

Also, this is actually a continuation of a secret journal I’ve kept on a site called Bloop Diary.  I’ve had a secret diary on that site for many years.  I may even share some of those old posts.

This secret journal will serve several purposes.  First, it is writing therapy for me as I believe I do need some type of therapy.  Second, it is to share with you what I’ve learned from experience and to keep a record for myself, so that I can look back at it years later (to remind myself).

It’s going to be my writing in its most raw form.  I am probably not even going to proofread my own writing, but if anyone out there want to proofread for me and send me the edited version of my writing, feel free to do so.  I’d appreciate it.

Since my family and friends do not know about this journal, I will be able write very candidly without hesitation.

Candid and Raw New Journal