A few months ago, I saw Anita at Steve’s wedding. I knew I was going to see her there as Steve mentioned before hand who (from the old days) would be at the wedding. (I will probably write more about my history with Anita in later journal/blog posts.)
I am such a child and a worldly being, more so than I admit or more so than I should be. In the worldly sense, I want to be sure that I appear the best to Anita (even though she is now married with 2 young kids). It’s an ego thing, even though arguably, I was the one who decided not to pursue her back 14 years ago when I could have successfully pursued her (as her close friends indicated to me). However, after a spiritual awakening in 2002, it was clear to me that she was not the way to go. When I was talking to Kelvin, my friend of the world (and he is REALLY of the world), he thought I was crazy to decide not to pursue Anita.
Anyway, a few months ago, I saw Anita at Steve’s wedding, and I made sure beforehand I looked my best (or at least as much as possible). Appearance-wise, it worked out a lot better than expected. It was as if God was feeding this childish man (me) some candy. Although it’s not important to feed this ego of mine, God gave me a little treat here. I didn’t want to look bad when seeing Anita after all those years (and it may actually be the last time I will ever see her).
I think maybe God don’t want me to feel bad. Whatever it is, I thank Him.
At the wedding banquet, it was as if Anita and Cindy were on the look out for me (which I totally did not expect.) When Anita saw me, she was looking at me in this way that I’ve experienced with some girls when they like what they see. (I think guys and girls could tell when someone of the opposite sex is totally impressed by them or the opposite – totally not impressed by them.) Also, Anita has this look of “Is that really him?” when she saw me. Then, when I saw her, and she realized that she was uncontrollably looking at me, she quickly looked away.
You see, God has blessed me with SpirFit knowledge (in how to maintain physical state as well as spiritual state) which helps keep me looking young and better than everyone else I know that are of my age. Anita and Cindy did not know that because I haven’t seen them for like 12 years, and that’s partly why Anita when she saw me seemed to be not sure if it was me and realizing that I have not looked any worse than I did 14 years ago.
Also, (although this is totally unfair) men age better than women, especially when this man has the SpirFit knowledge (which includes nutrition, exercise, and grooming knowledge) to keep his “Temple” presentable all these years and maintaining the condition of the “Temple” (physical state and appearance).
I thank God for making sure I don’t feel bad after this encounter at Steve’s wedding. And Cindy was all smiles at me and she keeps noticing me and smiling at me (although we don’t have any history together). But knowing her from ages ago, she always act like that toward guys she finds good looking. (Apparently, that hasn’t changed even after she got married.)
What they don’t know is that I am so not in the state or the place in my life that I want to be yet. In terms of my work (and my goals in serving millions), they don’t know about and I am not where I want and need to be. In terms of my finances, I am not where I want and need to be. (Far from it.) All I got going for me is my physical looks, and I am not even that great looking. But relatively, compared to people who are my age (41), I am better looking than most people I know who are my age, because I still look like I am in my 20s (at least in the days that I actually bother to shave, groom, and dress nicely.)
Yeah, I know, as someone who claims and strives to be spiritual and have more depth, I still got this shallow worldly ego going on in me. But it may not be all bad. Right now, I need more motivators (especially with my depression creeping back in my life right now.) If getting my physical and material state of affairs in place can motivate me or drive me forward, than let it be. Maybe that was the reminder I needed from all this “silly-ness”, in seeing Anita at Steve’s wedding.
My Secret Journal 