I think this girl likes me, but God seems to be telling me, “Don’t!”  But hey, maybe I am mis-reading her and maybe she doesn’t like me.  Below, I will post messages and posts from her as well as what I believe are messages from God.  Feel free to tell me what you think.

I am not posting her real name, so let’s call her Lillian.


June 4th – 5th
Lillian (in private FB message):  Are you married?

I private message back: No

[Then I messaged her some silly reasons why I am not married, but as a joke.  She didn’t get the joke though.  She took it seriously until I told her it was all a joke.  I’ll post the 7 silly reasons on another blog.]

I also asked her in return:  Are you married?

Lillian:  No
[Then she went on to say that all woman wants to get married and she tells me that she doesn’t want to have babies.]

Lillian (when she thought I was serious about all the reasons why I don’t want to get married):  I think one day, you’ll meet someone you’re really in love with.  Then you will probably change your mind.


June 7th  [Out of nowhere, she private messages me the following on Facebook]
Lillian:  She’s waiting for you.

Me:  Did I miss an appointment?  Who’s waiting for me?

Lillian:  Nevermind.

Lillian:  Maybe your wife.

Lillian:  [emoji face with tongue sticking out]

Me (jokingly):  Which one?  I will have ten wives.

Me:  [emoji face laughing]

Lillian (not seeming amused): They’re all waiting for you.

Lillian:  I’m sorry I lied to you.  I’m not 30
[Earlier, she asked me how old I am?  I didn’t tell her.  She knew I was older.  So she told me she’s 30 years old.]

Lillian:  I’m 25 and a half.


June 11

Lillian posted on her FB timeline:
You gave me nothing at all, but I miss you so badly.[with Carly Rae Jepsen’s video embedded]
[By the way, I’ve only known Lillian for 2 to 3 weeks.  She’s a college student.  I’m her tutor.  Also, I really haven’t given her anything.  I’ve never even bought her lunch, because I’m her tutor.  But I don’t know.  Maybe this is not directed at me?]

Lillian posted a few minutes later on her FB:
You belong with me?

[With Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” video embedded]

[I have mentioned Taylor Swift in our conversation, so she might know that Taylor Swift is one of my favorite musicians.]


What do you think?

I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it.  But it all doesn’t matter anyway.  Even though I think she is so cute, God seems to be telling me, “DON’T!”













Depression is a B*tch

Depression is a b*tch.  I really don’t have much more to say than that.  When you have depression, you really don’t have the energy to say or write much.  You just want to stay in bed and you’re thinking/feeling, it would be so good to just die peacefully in this position.  [Don’t worry.  I am not suicidal.]

Depression is a B*tch

I Need a Tribe

Something I desire a lot right now is a tribe of my own.  I’ve actually had the idea of forming my own “tribe” for a while now, but the idea might not have been as clear in my mind as now, after watching a TEDx talk (about two months ago on YouTube) where this guy Brian Rose articulated a lot of what I have experienced ever since I got on this “uncommon path”.  I couldn’t have articulated it better than he did, starting at 7min 09 sec of the video.


Just a moment ago, the thought of, “I still have no one in my tribe” occurred to me.  So, I decided to do an online search on those exact words and some interesting stuff turned up:  Not that I agree with everything or even much of what’s in these, it does get me thinking.

So far, I am quite certain of one conclusion.  Most likely, I won’t find my tribe.  I have to found one, or start one.

The examples I look to are Jesus, Jack Canfield, and Tony robbins.  Also, not everybody will find or found their tribe the same way.  YouTuber Lily Singh talked about how her vlogs (her work) is how she found her tribe.


Dr. Lissa Rankins also wrote about how to find or found your tribe

Have You Found Your Tribe

How I Found My Tribe










I Need a Tribe

The Impossible

The name of the game is ITERATE.

The quantity (while maintaining quality) that I have to produce for the next 20 days seems impossible.  If it’s just me, than it would be impossible.  But with God with me, it’s all possible.

God may be showing me that there are other things that I need to do, that would multiply the effect despite completing a lower quantity than I think I need.  (Because it is unlikely that I can make that number that I seem to need.)

Please pray for me.

The Impossible

Anita at the Wedding Banquet

A few months ago, I saw Anita at Steve’s wedding.  I knew I was going to see her there as Steve mentioned before hand who (from the old days) would be at the wedding.  (I will probably write more about my history with Anita in later journal/blog posts.)

I am such a child and a worldly being, more so than I admit or more so than I should be.  In the worldly sense, I want to be sure that I appear the best to Anita (even though she is now married with 2 young kids).  It’s an ego thing, even though arguably, I was the one who decided not to pursue her back 14 years ago when I could have successfully pursued her (as her close friends indicated to me). However, after a spiritual awakening in 2002, it was clear to me that she was not the way to go.  When I was talking to Kelvin, my friend of the world (and he is REALLY of the world), he thought I was crazy to decide not to pursue Anita.

Anyway, a few months ago, I saw Anita at Steve’s wedding, and I made sure beforehand I looked my best (or at least as much as possible).  Appearance-wise, it worked out a lot better than expected.  It was as if God was feeding this childish man (me) some candy.  Although it’s not important to feed this ego of mine, God gave me a little treat here.  I didn’t want to look  bad when seeing Anita after all those years (and it may actually be the last time I will ever see her).

I think maybe God don’t want me to feel bad.  Whatever it is, I thank Him.

At the wedding banquet, it was as if Anita and Cindy were on the look out for me (which I totally did not expect.)  When Anita saw me, she was looking at me in this way that I’ve experienced with some girls when they like what they see.  (I think guys and girls could tell when someone of the opposite sex is totally impressed by them or the opposite – totally not impressed by them.)  Also, Anita has this look of “Is that really him?” when she saw me.  Then, when I saw her, and she realized that she was uncontrollably looking at me, she quickly looked away.

You see, God has blessed me with SpirFit knowledge (in how to maintain physical state as well as spiritual state) which helps keep me looking young and better than everyone else I know that are of my age.  Anita and Cindy did not know that because I haven’t seen them for like 12 years, and that’s partly why Anita when she saw me seemed to be not sure if it was me and realizing that I have not looked any worse than I did 14 years ago.

Also, (although this is totally unfair) men age better than women, especially when this man has the SpirFit knowledge (which includes nutrition, exercise, and grooming knowledge) to keep his “Temple” presentable all these years and maintaining the condition of the “Temple” (physical state and appearance).

I thank God for making sure I don’t feel bad after this encounter at Steve’s wedding.  And Cindy was all smiles at me and she keeps noticing me and smiling at me (although we don’t have any history together).  But knowing her from ages ago, she always act like that toward guys she finds good looking.  (Apparently, that hasn’t changed even after she got married.)

What they don’t know is that I am so not in the state or the place in my life that I want to be yet.  In terms of my work (and my goals in serving millions), they don’t know about and I am not where I want and need to be.  In terms of my finances, I am not where I want and need to be.  (Far from it.)  All I got going for me is my physical looks, and I am not even that great looking.  But relatively, compared to people who are my age (41), I am better looking than most people I know who are my age, because I still look like I am in my 20s  (at least in the days that I actually bother to shave, groom, and dress nicely.)
Yeah, I know, as someone who claims and strives to be spiritual and have more depth, I still got this shallow worldly ego going on in me.  But it may not be all bad.  Right now, I need more motivators (especially with my depression creeping back in my life right now.)  If getting my physical and material state of affairs in place can motivate me or drive me forward, than let it be.  Maybe that was the reminder I needed from all this “silly-ness”, in seeing Anita at Steve’s wedding.

Anita at the Wedding Banquet