Posted on my Bloop diary on January 15, 2009
I feel like I have so much love inside me for my parents, my sisters, my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, my cousins, my grandma, my uncles and aunts… Unfortunately, I just have this inability to express my love. As a matter of fact, I have an inability to show any type of warmth toward any one.
As much as I don’t want to consciously admit it, I think I have a fear in me. I might be, at an unconscious (subconscious) level, fearing disappointment. I also probably fear letting someone in my life who would pull me off my current path (the “less traveled path” that most do not understand). Not long ago, I let a girl in and she almost pulled me off this path and almost completely destroyed me. She was a colleague of mine at a side job that I have. I became her spiritual teacher/mentor. It became a spiritually dangerous situation. Not only did she have impure intentions, but she didn’t care about destroying me in the process of getting what she wanted. I was praying more than ever during that period. God amazingly revealed things to me about her and about what I had to do. I was saved from the situation. I was guided to cut her out of my life (I guess they would call this ex-communication if I was a church).
I would never had thought that a girl who was not my girlfriend could put me in danger, but this girl who was my spiritual student showed me that I could be. Prior to that situation, there was another time when I was pulled off a previous path, was lost “in the desert” for about five years, and could’ve became permanently lost if it wasn’t for the grace of God (and for my intention and effort to take Him up on His grace).
Anyway, I am reminded of all this right now because I am wondering if I will be able to let anyone in. Will I be able to let the girl, the one, into my life when I meet her? Another question is, have I met her? One of the churches that I attend, there is this girl that have passed through the effective “filter” that I have in filtering out all the wrong girls, despite many of them showing interest in me. My non-Christian friends think that I am crazy in filtering some of these girls, especially the attractive ones.
Anyway, there’s this one girl who’ve seemed to have passed through my filter. Part of my filter is my instinct (or sixth sense as some may call it). Nothing in my instinct is telling me to be on guard against this girl. Also, she seems to be very devoted to God when I observe her in worship services. She is active in the church in helping with leading small groups and she is the greeter. She is fun to talk to and when I see her and talk to her, I already feel a love for her. I’ve asked God, “Is she the one?”
By the way, my instincts being right many times, they failed me in the situation with Melissa, the girl who was my colleague and spiritual student with impure intentions and almost destroyed me. It was all God who saved me from that situation. It was almost miraculous.
Some thoughts came to me. I don’t know if they are thoughts from the problematic part of my psyche. These thoughts are telling me, “She’s a bit taller than you.” “You know nothing about her past.” (although I do know that she has strong family values. I’ve met her sister and she has a loving relationship with her sister. She also display an attitude of love and joy when she talks about her mother.)
Anyway, I didn’t let her in either. Some part of me is telling me that I am making a mistake. But another part of me is telling me that it is right to be cautious (considering past experiences).